Executive Matchmaker’s Dictionary of Dating
Dictionary of Dating
The world of dating has changed rapidly in recent decades. If you’re recently divorced or widowed after a long marriage, things will look a lot different to you than the last time you were trying to woo a woman. So, we thought it would be helpful to develop a Dictionary of Dating with all the new terms from dating apps to hookup culture and everything in between.
Benching
I’ve heard people call this their Roster or Lineup before. Others refer to it as going back to the well. Whatever you call it, benching is when you like someone enough to keep seeing them, but you have no plans to ever take the relationship to the next level.
This is someone you just want to have fun with. There’s nothing wrong with that, as long as you’re open and honest about your expectations.
Breadcrumbing
We’ve all been there. You’re really into someone new and she seems to like you too. Or is that just your imagination convincing you there’s a chance because you want it so bad?
She puts a fraction of the effort in that you do. You’re always the one to call or initiate plans. If you’re honest with yourself, she flakes on you more than you care to admit.
But just when you feel fed up and decide you’re ready to move on, she drops little bread crumbs of attention to reel you back in. If you step back and examine things objectively, you’ll realize she’s giving you bottom of the barrel crumbs when you deserve so much more.
Catfishing
Catfishing is when someone falsifies their identity online and enters into a romantic relationship under fraudulent pretenses. It’s a very broad term that can cover everything from completely fake online personas to overly edited pictures.
The bottom line is, be true to yourself and authentic both online and off.
Cushioning
This is when someone entertains the idea of dating other people while they’re in a relationship.
People often do this when they’re considering a break-up. They download the apps just to see what’s out there, or they flirt with a co-worker to find out if the grass is greener.
FWB & NSA
FWB stands for Friends With Benefits. NSA stands for No Strings Attached.
Both mean relatively the same thing—a sexual relationship without a romantic commitment. These terms are often used on dating apps by people who are married and seeking an affair, or people who are involved in non-monogamous relationships.
Ghosting
Ghosting is the sudden, unexpected cease of all communication from one party within a relationship.
“She bailed on our plans last weekend and hasn’t returned my calls all week; I think she’s ghosting me.”
Hatfishing
A lot of men reading this are probably guilty of hatfishing. It’s okay, this is a judgement-free zone! Hatfishing is when you use hats to hide your hair (or lack thereof) because of insecurities.
I can’t tell you how many dating profiles I’ve seen in which every single photo, the man is wearing a hat. Women want to see the real you, don’t hide under a hat.
And remember, bald is beautiful.
Non-Monogamy
Also known as Polyamory, Open Relationships, or Swinging, couples who engage in non-monogamy have romantic and/or sexual relationships with additional partners.
This type of relationship is not considered cheating, as all parties involved are aware of and consent to the sharing of partners.
Situationship
Do you have a female friend you call whenever you’re single and need a plus one for an event?
Maybe the two of you kissed once at a Christmas party when you found yourselves under the mistletoe after a few too many glasses of egg nog, but nothing much ever came from it. Nevertheless you’ve remained in each other’s circles and the chemistry never falters when you’re together.
Congratulations, you’re in a situationship!
This word can really describe any romantic couple that hasn’t defined the relationship. They never use words like boyfriend or future. They have formed a casual connection that feels comfortable and fits their situation.
Zombieing
Rebecca disappeared on Adam last summer after they had been seeing each other pretty steadily. She just stopped returning his calls with no explanation. Today, out of nowhere she texted him, and said, “Hey stranger! I’ve been thinking about you, hope all is well!”
Rebecca is a zombie risen from the dead.
Five Apology Styles: How to Say I’m Sorry
Dr. Gary Chapman, creator of the Five Love Languages, also co-authored a book titled When Sorry Isn’t Enough: Making Things Right with Those You Love with Dr. Jennifer Thomas. In it, they present Five Apology Styles: Expressing Regret, Accepting Responsibility, Genuinely Repenting, Making Restitution, and Requesting Forgiveness.
Chapman and Thomas suggest we rely on the Five Love Languages to make restitution by assuring the injured party of our love for them.
For instance, if your partner’s Love Language is Gifts and her Apology Style is Making Restitution—consider making flowers part of your apology.
1. Expressing Regret
I made a mistake and I feel terrible.
In its simplest form, Expressing Regret is just saying I’m sorry. It’s acknowledging that your actions caused someone else pain and feeling bad about it.
Expressing Regret zeroes in on emotional hurt by admitting guilt and shame for causing pain to another person. It doesn’t make excuses or attempt to deflect blame. It is understood as a sincere commitment to repair and rebuild the relationship. Regret is most clearly expressed when the person offering the apology reflects sincerity not only verbally, but also through body language.
2. Accepting Responsibility
It was my fault, I shouldn't have acted the way I did.
Accepting responsibility means taking the blame and consequences that come with your actions. To accept responsibility, you must do so verbally and be willing to correct your error.
No one likes to be portrayed as a failure. However, we must all admit that we make mistakes. If the apology doesn’t accept responsibility, many people will not feel as though it was meaningful and sincere. Being sincere in your apology means allowing yourself to be weak, and admitting that you make mistakes.
3. Genuinely Repenting
I will take actionable steps to make sure this never happens again.
Apologies don’t mean much if the bad behavior continues. To genuinely repent, you need to create a plan and share it with the person you have wronged that details the steps you will take to change your behavior in the future.
Many people doubt the sincerity of an apology if it is not accompanied by their partner’s desire to modify their behavior to avoid the situation in the future. One important aspect of genuinely repenting is verbalizing your desire to change. Your partner cannot read your mind.
4. Making Restitution
What can I do to make it up to you and fix my mistake?
Sometimes sorry isn’t enough. Some mistakes require reparations and damages. It’s important that you include the person you’ve wronged in developing a plan to right your wrong. And be willing to eat some crow and follow through.
In our society, many people believe that wrong acts demand justice. The one who commits the crime should pay for their wrongdoing. Many people believe that in order to be sincere, the person who is apologizing should justify their actions.
5. Requesting Forgiveness
How can I earn your forgiveness and make this right?
In its simplest form, Requesting Forgiveness is just saying, Please forgive me. The weight of this apology style lies in the vulnerability it requires. When you have wronged someone, it’s especially humbling to ask for their forgiveness knowing they have the power to reject you.
In some relationships, people want to hear their partner physically ask for forgiveness. They want assurance that their partner recognizes the need for forgiveness. Requesting forgiveness also shows that you are willing to put the future of the relationship in the hands of the offended partner. You are leaving the final decision up to them – to forgive or not forgive.
Just like the Five Love Languages, there is an online quiz you can take to discover which of the Five Apology Styles work best for you.
The Right Time for Intimacy: How Soon is Now?
Think about the first time you met the person you’re seeing. Focus on the time you first had that flutter inside you. You know, that beautiful, indescribable cosmic rush between your head, your heart, and perhaps...your loins? That’s right. Today we’re talking about sex and intimacy!
It's a rush that for some, quickly advances one’s carnal desire to have a sexual relationship early on when first dating. Pepper in a Pandemic and likely your rules of—let’s call it, engagement when dating likely went out the window, along with 2020.
Never before were the words, new year, new you more accurate and embraced!
Let's Get it On
As the crooner and undeniable icon of all things sex appeal, Marvin Gaye once sang while wearing skin tight turquoise leather pants. Wait, give me a moment. I got a little sidetracked by the steamy 70s visual. Even the lyrics to his classic song speak to the aforementioned struggle.
“I’ve been really tryin’ baby...tryin’ to hold back this feeling for so long.”
Look, you’re both consenting adults. If you choose to experience intimacy on the first date—go right ahead, sister. More power to you, brother! Some might even say it’s a bit of a right of passage in a relationship to assess true physical compatibility. No one can deny the importance of intimacy when it comes to building a romantic bond.
Maybe you’re both just ready to jump anything that moves after being in lockdown for eternity!
There is a camp who believe that determining your sexual chemistry before becoming exclusive is a sound indicator of compatibility in a relationship, and subsequently a marriage. However, there are others with fancy degrees and clipboards armed with data who would disagree.
Abstain Because Science Says So
Rest assured, there is scientific data behind the practice of sexual restraint.
A study in the American Psychological Association’s Journal of Family Psychology surveyed 2,035 married couples. It found that the longer they waited to have sex in their relationship, the better the relationship was overall, even after marriage.
Don’t want to get married you say, so why wait? Well, there’s data to support that scenario too.
Intimacy Too Soon Creates Counterfeit Currency
A counter study by Sharon Sassler and colleagues at Cornell University found that rapid sexual involvement has adverse long-term implications for relationship quality.
“Adequate time is required for romantic relationships to develop in a healthy way. In contrast, relationships that move too quickly, without adequate discussion of the goals and long-term desires of each partner, may be insufficiently committed and therefore result in relationship distress, especially if one partner is more committed than the other.”
Couples that engage in sex too soon create a counterfeit intimacy. It creates fast, intense feelings that are often confused with true, lasting love.
This counterfeit love currency is then cashed in on major life purchases, like buying a house together or getting married.
That basically means having sex early on in a relationship creates an imbalance which can include unhealthy communication patterns, and rushes to judgement on major life decisions. Such preemptive entanglement is hard to unravel. So, often couples passively follow what’s easiest and proceed with poor life choices.
Choose Lasting Love Over Libido
They say true love is worth waiting for. Not everyone wants long-lasting love. So, talk with your partner, beau, “friend,” bae, whatever the label. Even if you haven’t defined the relationship yet.
Communicate what each of you are seeking before you bring the physical into the relationship. Without doing so, someone is going to get the short end of the proverbial stick.
Simply ask yourself—do you want to nurture a long-lasting relationship built on a foundation of partnership and love or are you just looking to feed your libido?
No judgement here. You get to choose, but be sure to discuss it before clothes start hitting the floor.
Dating App Disaster Stories
Bad Behavior
Every time you pick up your phone it’s a gamble. Ask your friends, I guarantee they have at least one dating app disaster story. Did you know that one third of online daters have never met anyone in real life that they matched with on the apps?
The screen gives users a sense of anonymity, which often leads to them acting out in ways they probably wouldn’t otherwise. There’s a certain level of anonymity to dating apps. Most of the time, you’re swiping, messaging, and meeting complete strangers. You likely don’t have common friends and run in very different circles.
This allows one to pull off a disappearing act quite easy. Over half of today’s daters claim to have first-hand experience with Ghosting, many going a step further to Zombieing.
Out of 1,000 people surveyed, 53% admitted to lying on their profile.
Going beyond typical bad behavior, there is a darker side to the internet.
Romance scams reached new heights in 2020. Scammers saw how many Americans were stuck in quarantine, and they acted. The Federal Trade Commission reported a record $304 million lost in romance scams throughout 2020. That’s up 50% from the previous year.
Scary Stories
“Women should be aware that they probably will receive rude/disgusting messages from horny guys, sexual propositions/requests, nude pics, and a lot of creepy vibes.” -Ryan Anderson, Ph.D
It’s not uncommon to receive messages on apps containing vulgar or abusive content. Explicit requests, violent threats, unsolicited nudes...it’s like the Wild West of sexual harassment out there. Please, be safe.
Emma agreed to pick up her date after he told her he wasn’t medically cleared to drive. When she arrived, she realized he was just drunk.
Mallory carries an EpiPen for her shellfish allergy. On her first date with a doctor, he tried to feed her shrimp off his plate. When she politely, but insistently refused, he declined a second date.
Alex’s date told her he just started a new job. When she asked him what he had been doing previously, he said just one word—prison.
Drew used a photo from his own wedding as his profile picture. He didn’t even crop his ex-wife out entirely.
The day before Sydney’s date, he texted to ask what kind of food she liked. She said, “I like everything, but seafood!” She thought it was weird that he took her to Red Lobster, until the bill came and he pulled out a gift card.
Estimates show at the rate things are going, by 2040 70% of couples will have met online. So, dating apps aren’t going away anytime soon. If anything, they will probably get more Black Mirror-y as artificial intelligence evolves. Do you have any dating app disaster stories?
Are You Addicted to Dating Apps?
Game the System
Did you know that each time your phone pings, your brain gives you a small hit of dopamine? That means physiologically, people get addicted to dating apps because they are designed to get you hooked in the same way addictive substances do. Are you addicted to dating apps?
One study showed the average Tinder user spends over 90 minutes per day swiping and chatting in the app. Another report says people spend about 10 hours per week on dating apps.
There is a gamification element to swiping as well. Whenever you get a notification, it feels like you’ve won something. Even if you have no intention of ever meeting that person, the match alone gives you a fix. This is how people get addicted to things like video games and gambling.
In fact, online dating was created with the same psychological principles as Vegas slot machines. They hijack your pleasure centers and create a false reward system. It’s no surprise so many people are addicted to dating apps!
Think about it, how many times have you deleted and reinstalled an app from your phone? It creates a toxic environment where the app makes you feel bad about yourself, so you delete it. Then, you start feeling lonely, and that makes you feel bad too. So you download it all over again.
“People who self-described as having really addictive-style behaviors toward the internet and cell phones scored much higher on depression and anxiety scales. With growing support for the connection between technology use and mental health, the relationship between motivation for cell phone or internet use and well-being warrants further exploration.” -Alejandro Lleras
Too Many Choices
The number of bots and spam accounts would shock you. Some apps even hire employees who chat with users under fake profiles in order to engage them in the app more.
Estimates show at the rate things are going, by 2040 70% of couples will have met online. So, dating apps aren’t going away anytime soon. If anything, they will probably get more Black Mirror-y as artificial intelligence evolves.
In his book, The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck, Mark Manson says, "Basically, the more options we're given, the less satisfied we become with whatever we choose because we're aware of all the other options we're potentially forfeiting."
This is known as the Paradox of Choice.
According to the Association for Psychological Science, critiquing multiple candidates causes people to be more judgmental. This makes you more likely to dismiss a perfectly good candidate for something trivial.
This can also have an effect on commitment. When you have access to hundreds of potential dates in your pocket, how do you stay focused on one person? Is there motivation to work through the hard times or will people start giving up on long-term relationships, constantly chasing the honeymoon phase?
Is the grass greener on the other side?
When asked to choose between a committed relationship or something casual, 87% of women, and 61% of men said they wanted a serious relationship. The problem is the apps are designed to make you crave quantity over quality.
Are you addicted to dating apps, but looking for a better way to meet like-minded individuals? We can help you kick the habit.
Zombieing: The Next Stage of Bad Dating Behavior
So you’ve been ghosted...or have you? Suddenly your phone pings. Why is SHE texting you?! You haven’t spoken in months, after she just dropped off the face of the earth and stopped returning your calls. Welcome to the wonderful world of Zombieing.
What is Zombieing, you ask? Well, remember a few months ago when we discussed ghosting? It’s exactly like that except one step further. It can also be referred to as Haunting.
SHE’S BAAACK.
It usually starts as a toe-dip interaction, like a text. Zombies rarely risk jumping into the deep end of the commitment pool, because they already feel a sense of shame for their bad behavior. They knew it was wrong, and they ghosted you anyway.
If she hasn’t risen from the dead with full remorse and redemption in mind, maybe let her sit with that shame for a bit longer.
Why Not Just Stay Dead?
Motives for Zombieing can vary anywhere from boredom, to true courting intentions. That’s what makes them so dangerous—it’s up to you to decide if this person is worth your energy and if so, do they have nefarious or ulterior reasons for reaching out?
You don’t want to be someone’s Friday night entertainment.
Zombieing, like most bad dating behavior, stems from low self-esteem. Maybe she met someone else, and now she’s realized it’s not going anywhere. So she’s decided to dip back into the well of exes.
Let’s just call it what it is: attention-seeking behavior.
“Zombies want to see if they can still get a reaction, says Kate Balestrieri, PsyD & Founder of Modern Intimacy. “They're using it as a way to get validation if they're feeling low about themselves."
You have to decide for yourself if this person is worth the risk. My mom likes to quote Dr. Phil when he says, “The best predictor of future behavior is relevant past behavior.”
The Zombie Apocalypse is Here, Now What?
You really only have two options when a ghost comes back to haunt you. You either engage with them or ignore them.
If you decide to engage, proceed with caution.
In a 2010 study, researchers at Rutgers University found that looking at your ex triggers the same part of the brain as a cocaine addiction, creating an obsession with romantic rejection.
Ask yourself, do you want to open Pandora’s box?
You have to be careful if you’re going to date a zombie. It’s essential to have very clear plans in place for connecting, when you’re going to be spending time, and how often you’ll text. -Jane Greer, PhD, Family & Marriage Therapist
Reflect back on your relationship. Are there any other red flags or bad behavior you can remember? Was your relationship equal and balanced? Did she have a legitimate excuse for her disappearing and subsequently, reappearing act? Did she apologize? Do you believe her?
From here, you have to decide if you want to continue communication and open the doors for a potential relationship again. Keep in mind, this also opens you up to the same trap you already fell for. Fool me once, and all that.
Don’t forget you always have the option to ignore her. Delete the text, block her number, and pretend like it never happened, if you need to. You are not required to engage if you don’t want to.
When in doubt, turn your experiences into art like Allison Wade. She turned some of the best (read: worst) texts she’s received from exes into works of art.
Top 20 Tips for Profile Pics
Last week, we discussed the importance of profile pics. Today, I want to go a little further by providing actionable tips and tricks to help you take the most flattering photos for your dating profile.
Different online services and dating apps have different capabilities, but if you’re able to, you should include at least three photos in your profile. Use your profile pics to show who you really are.
Top 20 Tips for Profile Pics
1. The first picture should be a nice clear headshot, it’s ok to use colour or black and white, whatever you prefer and feels represents you well.
2. You should also have a full length shot that shows your physique. Take it at a flattering angle and avoid the dreaded bathroom/gym mirror selfie.
3. Your third photo is up to you! Use this one to highlight your personality.
4. Think about whether you want to take the photo indoors or outdoors. Clean up any clutter that may appear in the background.
5. There is no shame in standing in front of a blank wall, sometimes those make the best profile pics!
6. Be natural, relax, and smile.
7. Wear clothes that make you feel comfortable and confident. If it feels awkward, or fits wrong, your discomfort may show in the photo.
8. Find a spot with natural lighting, and make sure there are no shadows hiding your face.
9. No Sunglasses. Let us see your eyes.
10. Have some fun! Grab a friend that you feel totally comfortable with, and goof around a little, so your best self comes out in the picture.
11. Update your photos every three months.
12. Don’t post photos with other women. I once saw a man using a photo of himself and his ex-wife on their wedding day on his dating profile.
13. No group shots. Nobody wants to play a guessing game to figure out who’s who.
14. Keep your clothes on! No bare chest guys I know it’s tempting, especially if you have a great physique, but it does far more damage than good.
15. No silly poses, goofy faces, or funny costumes.
16. Your profile pics should highlight your face, not any other body part. You know if I’m talking to you.
17. I don’t care if you caught the Megalodon, no woman cares to see you holding up a dead fish.
18. Speaking of fish, no hatfishing! Unless you plan on wearing that backwards ballcap on a first date (please don’t), take if off for your profile pics.
19. If you are bald, be proud and show the world. A lot of women only date bald men, so own it!
20. Your hair and facial hair should be styled just as it will when you show up for a date.
Profile Pictures are Worth A Thousand Words
Today we’re covering one of my favourite topics—Profile Pictures!
I will admit, I am often guilty of being highly critical when it comes to crafting a dating profile. I like to think of it as a resume for love. Please forgive my passion, but I cannot stress enough, how important it is to put your best foot forward with a flattering photo.
Your photo is the first thing people see, and it’s what will make them want to swipe right or message you. We have done some experiments to see what gets the right attention and what attracts the wrong attention.
Did you know most people make up their mind about you within the first six seconds?
So, what are your profile pictures telling them at first glance? Your first goal is to just get them to give your profile a second look; pique their interest!
Profile Pictures Are a Must
Not having photos on your dating profile will get you all the wrong attention. If people think you want to be anonymous, then most will assume you are only after a casual sexual encounter. If that’s not what you’re looking for, then let’s make sure you post a really good photo that indicates this isn’t what you want.
It is better to wait until you are ready to post your profile pictures and your bio is complete before you start browsing so that you start out on the right foot.
Without a photo, you will only attract unwanted attention, and this can be hard for some people to handle.
Your main photo should be you and you alone. No children, friends, family, or pets. Just a nice, clear photo of you. Pose naturally, smile, dress and wear your hair as you would for a typical first date.
Headshots are great, but you should also include a full-body photo in your profile.
Depending on how many photos you can upload to the site or app you’re using, you can include group shots, but make sure it’s not the first thing they see. Nobody wants to go hunting through a photo to find out which one you are.
There are some apps that hide or blur your photos, so that you have to get to know someone before you make a snap judgement on their appearance.
It is a great tool to get you to pay a monthly subscription as most people are so curious they will pay just to see what someone looks like, and then you choose who you reveal your photo to.
Keep Your Photos Updated
Ok, let’s get serious now, why would you want to put a photo up from five years ago? None of us are getting any younger, that’s a well-known fact! People are known to send the oldest and best photo they have, and it infuriates me. I am often sent a photo before a consultation to show me how a potential client represents themselves and when I meet them I do a double take!
When I ask how old the photo is, I inevitably hear a story about someone’s brother’s wedding from three years ago. It makes me crazy.
No wonder they are not getting any second dates! Usually, the first date doesn’t even last longer than 30-60 minutes, depending on how polite the other person is. I understand feeling self-conscious about aging, but you’re setting yourself up for failure if you misrepresent yourself online.
Keep your photos current and make sure they’re an honest reflection of you. We are constantly changing. Anytime your style changes, you update your hair colour, gain or lose weight, etc. you should be updating your photos. If you’re clean shaven, don’t have a beard in all of your photos.
You should also change your photos up every three months or so, after all it doesn’t reflect well if people see the same photos. They’re likely to think you are a serial dater. If a photo is not generating the right interest then change it sooner. Play around with your profile pictures and bio until you find what works.
The Must-Have Spring Collection
It’s officially spring. That means it's time to do a little spring cleaning, cleanse your closets of all the stuff you’ve kept for too long, declutter your mind, and most importantly—purify your heart.
Donate any old clothes to Goodwill or a family in your community. Got an old game of Battleship? You can take toys your kids have outgrown to local women’s and children’s shelter. Clean out the garage and put unwanted stuff out on the curb with a FREE sign. You’ll be shocked how much will be gone the next day. There are so many ways to get rid of the things we’ve collected in our lives, but no longer need.
Spring is the perfect fresh start to rid any excess baggage. As you’re Marie Kondo-ing your physical junk, be sure to inventory your emotional junk as well. So often we hold onto things—memories and maybes, and what-ifs—even those shoes from high school. Okay, maybe that one was just me.
Declutter Your Mind & Your Space
Use this time to declutter your mind and focus on yourself. Travel more. Adopt that dog you’ve always wanted but your ex was allergic to. Apply for your dream job. Throw caution to the wind, but use this time to work on you. Start checking items off your bucket list.
Do not go out on a date just yet or go back to the well and start texting old flames. Don’t start downloading the apps or building a dating profile until you’ve finished your spring cleaning.
Stay away from any means that would put you out there looking for a partner. This will be a challenge, but you can do it. You need this separation in your life to build your spring must-haves collection. You will never know what is tailored for you, what fits you best, if you do not focus on yourself first. Try you on for size.
Clean Mind
We tend to hoard possessions until they become emotional weights we didn’t even realize we were carrying. This leaves less room in our lives for the essentials, the things that I call must-haves.
Every season, the fashion industry defines what the newest trends are. It's time for you to define yours, as it pertains to your most prized possession of all—your heart. Shoes, well, they come and go. Your heart on the other hand, isn’t going anywhere.
How Do You Eat an Elephant?
One bite at a time.
If the idea of taking on your physical and emotional junk overwhelms you, then take it one task at a time.
Small, manageable doses are key to tackling any problem. If we tried to inventory the magnitude of baggage we’ve collected over the years, locked away in our closets and our hearts, it would send the strongest of us into a tailspin.
Make lists of the things you want to change; keep it very specific. Every day attempt to work on at least one thing on your list. You don’t have to give yourself hard deadlines. Take the whole weekend to clean out your bedroom closet if you need to. No one is there telling you how quickly you should work through your list.
Make a game out of it. Reward yourself after each small victory.
We all tend to place unachievable, unrealistic goals on ourselves and it leads to disappointment and disaster. If you focus on each attainable bite-sized task instead, you’ll see how quickly they add up to big life changes.
Pure Heart
Do you make excuses to yourself? Maybe you tell yourself it's best to stay in an imbalanced relationship because all of the time you’ve invested. Or because it's easier to stay than to put yourself back out there and try to find someone or someone at your age?
Stop. If you are in an unhappy relationship, pause, and write down the things you wish you could change.
Have you addressed these issues with your partner? If not, start today.
It’s time to make tough decisions that may include throwing out some of your emotional baggage. Work on improving yourself. Do all of the things in your own life that you wish your partner did for you.
Can't Lose
Once you get to the point where your list is checked off, no matter how long it has taken you, it’s time to party. Try on and out this new version of you. Pop a bottle of champagne and celebrate.
Walk that runway with your heart clean and open to what is to come. You can not find a partner without first clearing out the junk. After you have put in the work to declutter your mind and clear out all the junk that has held you down, you deserve it.
You are beautiful. You are handsome. There is someone for everyone. Your fairytale awaits, so get to cleaning out your closet. Rid your life of anything that holds you back from finding the one. Your person has been waiting on you. Tis the season! Never know what you will actually find when you clean out those closets for spring!
How to Speak Fluent Body Language
Joe Navarro has written several books on body language and non-verbal communication. In his book, What Every Body is Saying: An Ex-FBI Agent’s Guide to Speed-Reading People, Navarro discusses how non-verbal communication is guided by the limbic system, a very primitive part of our brains.
The limbic system assesses danger and risk, preparing the body for fight, flight, freeze, or fawn reactions. It is also the portion of the brain responsible for the high we feel when we fall in love.
Once you learn how to read key phrases of your partner’s body language, you’ll be better equipped to decipher their needs and fill their love tank.
According to Vanessa Van Edwards, Author of Captivate: The Science of Succeeding with People, there are over 800 non-verbal signals made during a 30-minute first date.
The problem is, we’re not taught to be aware of the signals we’re subconsciously giving off or how to read and interpret others’ cues. It’s just one of those social skills we’re expected to pick up and adapt to which is difficult or even impossible for some.
Decoding Body Language
Being even marginally aware of body language, can lead to better connections and conversations. Some suggest as much as 80% of human communication is non-verbal.
Although it may be difficult to decode, there is good news. Body language is a more honest form of communication than verbal because so much of it is subconscious. Even the best poker faces can’t control micro-expressions.
She’s leaning in; that’s good. But is she trying to get closer to you or just the charcuterie board?
Fellas, we already know that women have better intuition, so learning to read your date, may take some practice.
It’s true that crossed arms and fidgeting can be a sign someone is disinterested, angry, or closed off. But it’s important to take the entire situation into account.
Is this your first date? It could just be a sign of anxiety. Did you cross your arms first? Perhaps they’re mirroring you; in this case it could indicate increased interest.
Positive non-verbal communication can include blushing, fumbling over her words, playing with her hair, fiddling with her clothes, or touching her lips. Getting tongue-tied often means one is nervous and trying to make a good impression.
Did you know hair follicles release pheromones?
Pay attention to whether she opens her body toward you or away. Subtle touches are great signs. If she slaps your knee when you make her laugh, or touches your arm for emphasis, you can bet she’s into you.
Mirroring
Mirroring is subconscious mimicking. You know the saying, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery? It’s true. If someone likes you, they will start to adopt your mannerisms and movements.
We like people who are like us. Love and belonging are a vital part of our hierarchy of needs. It’s why cults exist and civilizations survive.
Now that you know this, you can alter your own behavior to mirror your date and build a stronger connection.
Don’t be creepy about it and follow her every move, but subtle things like mirroring the way she leans on her elbow, or fiddling with your tie after she adjusts her necklace.
Know Your Angles
First and foremost, I want you to relax and sit comfortably on your date. Take a few deep breaths, because the most important thing is that you feel confident and secure.
Now, let’s think about how to make small adjustments to your posture so that you’re comfortable, but still giving off positive energy.
Tilt your head slightly when she speaks to show you’re listening intently. Try to maintain an open position and close some of the space between you.
Angle your body toward your date—head, shoulders, knees, and toes—pointed in her direction. Notice her body language, is she angled toward you or is she pointing directly at the door?
Touch Yourself
Your beard produces significantly more pheromones than your head. Increased testosterone causes facial hair growth, so twirl your mustache or stroke your beard, and watch the ladies come running.
On second thought, don’t touch your face during a Pandemic. But when it’s over, you should know how to use your hands to flirt.
Touching your throat or neck indicates you’re not a threat. You can also mess with your hair, fiddle with your watch, adjust your glasses, etc.
Eyes Are Everything
Speaking of glasses, avoid wearing sunglasses.
Eye contact releases the bonding hormone, oxytocin. Studies show your eyes dilate when you look at someone you care about. Both of these are hidden behind shades.
I do want to issue a word of caution. Despite the heading, eye contact is not everything. There are a number of conditions and diagnoses which make eye contact difficult or impossible for people to maintain.
Even if she’s not staring longingly into your eyes, notice where she is focusing her line of sight. Has something just caught her attention briefly or is she signaling rejection?
Is she staring at your lips then coyly averting her gaze? It might be time to think about leaning in for the first kiss.